Confessions of an educated smart ass

What I think, What I see, What pisses me off, What amuses me....Read it or don't.

Friday, July 16, 2004

Playing the name game...

OK, kids...here's one that I feel pretty f-ing strongly about. Let me just ask this question? Why is it that the moment perfectly sane, level-headed adults find out that a baby is coming into their lives - they opt to turn the creative juices on....and start dreaming up the perfect name. For those of you wondering, no, I don't have kids (or a husband), but I have definitely come across some absolutely ridiculous-laughing-my-ass-off-rolling-my-eyes-knowing-these-kids-are-going-to-have-their-asses-whipped-in-school names. Personally, I think there should be some rules with the name game, and by God if you're knocked up or the sperm donor - there should be a checks and balances system on your choices for names of your child. Looking back on what I just wrote - rather than continuing my rants and raves, I think I will keep it simple (dumb it down for you expectant parents out there) and just create some rules. Here goes..
1. DO NOT name your child after inanimate objects!! Gwyneth Paltrow fans, you know what I'm talking about....come on, she named her kid APPLE, for God's sake!! Also, under this catgeory would fall names like Rain, Star, Crystal, Snow, Arrow - anything even slightly hippie-esque or names that should be saved for the strippers of our world. DON'T BE TEMPTED. You may think the notion of a beautiful little blonde 3 year old in pigtails named Honey (and, yes I know one of these too..) is precious. However, try to imagine her as a cutting edge district attorney....named Honey. Not quite so cute is it??
2. DO NOT name your child after weather conditions, holidays, dates, or emotions. There are a few exceptions in this category, but not many. For folks with little girls on the way, have you ever watched COPS or Rescue 911?? I'm hear to say (and I have a friend that works for Child Protective Services to back me up), that weather/emotion/date names = rape victims, prositutues, drug addicts, or plain old PWT. Some examples in this category include Misty, November, Rain/y, Tuesday,  Happy (yes, I know someone by this name as well), Thunder, Snow, Bliss, Faith, Rage...and I'm sure you can all think of a dozen more. 
3. DO NOT screw up perfectly good spellings of traditional names!! As a rule, I wouldn't consider myself a consummate purist, but I have to say when it comes to the art of naming....do we really need to stray from traditionalism?? Take my name for instance, Stephanie. I have seen it spelled Stephany, Stefani, Stefanee, Stefaney, etc. Are we not all in agreement, that this name's traditional spelling is much more aestheticly pleasing and falls in line with common sense??!!! Why screw it up?? Alright, alright, I'm sure you males out there are currently noting the lack of examples for boy names - so how about this one. Christopher....simple, elegant, common, traditional. Now let's try the 2004 variations of this classic name....Cristofer, Kristofer, Qurestopher, Crystofre, Kryztopher....and YES, THESE HAVE ALL HAPPENED!! What else do you need to hear?? Come on folks!! If you opt for a strong traditional name.....keep it simple - for the sake of your child and the sake of society - the poor commoners who are going to spend years struggling (and grumbling) about how to spell your kid's name.
           In conclusion, please be kind to your children when naming them. As a society, we are inundated with press about who's pregnant in Hollywood and then eventually the foolish titles they place upon their young.  And note, I said FOOLISH TITLES....just because they have money and celebrity DOES NOT mean they have the gift of naming. Just a few doozies to remind you not to look west for advice: Cocoa (Courtney Cox/David Arquette) , Rocco (Madonna/Guy Ritchie), Indio (Robert Downey, Jr.), Piper Maru (Gillian Anderson), Rumer, Scout, Tallulah Belle (Demi Moore/Bruce Willis)... Need I say more??
   

4 Comments:

At July 16, 2004 at 12:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is SOOOO true about weather/date names. Misty Dawn just screams incest! And do't forget about the poor child who was born to an unwed mother....she named him Regret. Shame on her.

 
At July 16, 2004 at 6:07 PM, Blogger Mikol said...

I totally know what you’re talking about here (or is it hear?)… Take my name. “MIKOL” It’s phonetic. People are always trying to trick it up by spelling it M-I-C-H-A-E-L. Since when does the “CH” combination make the “K” sound? Then they just throw in two vowels like they have an over-abundance of As and Es and they just have to find something to do with them. PS I know which here/hear is correct, the question is: Do you?

 
At July 17, 2004 at 7:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about Will Ferrell's bouncing baby boy, MAGNUS? Perhaps he is just trying to ensure a high level of physical fitness for his son...Who will need health on his side on the old playground. JP

 
At July 19, 2004 at 7:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Remember George Costanza on Seinfeld wanting to name his baby Seven??

 

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